I am huddled in a corner- almost literally in a ball. It's the second weekend of yoga teacher training and I am again, at my wits end.
I've had a week... OK... maybe I've had quite a year.
Straddling two jobs (one new full time job as a fourth grade teacher, one almost full time job as a high school and a middle school soccer coach), plus yoga training almost every weekend, all weekend- and did I forget to mention, two small children, and a husband who are all waiting for their time- in the midst of the chaos I've created,
And here comes the wisdom- "Amy, you'll need to come to your knees before you're brought to your knees."
I'll be honest, at the time, my instructor's words and the link between the Asana (movement) in the yoga practice, (I'd only been practicing yoga for about a year and the comparison of life/yoga had not yet reached me) and my life were not quite clear and processed. But the metaphor could not be more clear in my emotion and the overwhelming feeling of depression in my body.
My own inexperience/ignorance in listening to my body, had brought me to this place. The overwhelming responsibilities I had strapped on myself, as well as my inability to put my health first, in order to balance my role as a mother, my own human needs, and not to mention my own inherent- never stop, always reach for more tendency, coupled with my inability to say no to anything, had brought me to this huddled, lifeless position in the corner of the room- and more gratefully into this yoga space.
And "here" (THANK GOD, or the UNIVERSE) was exactly where the universe wanted me.
Because in this room were fifteen other wonderful human beings that had either experienced being brought down on their knees, were in the process of coming to their knees. or in the need of the experience of finding their surrender.
And together in practice, We came into child's pose.
And, I was now literally on my knees.
In pause, in surrender, I gave my body the time to begin a discussion.
The practice that day had been nearly two hours long. My feet had left the floor. My pigeon had brought me to tears. And now resting in child's pose, the truest embodiment of surrender, the real tears came from the deepest part of my being- the part that in the chaos I had not often heard.
And in this silence, a moment to wonder- Why was I crying?
I'll be honest, in a time of life I seemed to be able to rationalize or explain anything....this time I truly didn't know- because my mind wasn't talking.
What I know now in hindsight, is my mind has a tendency to fear and then over commit.
But at the time, I knew only that my body was weeping- and someday, I may want to know more about why.
And every time I come to my mat, I leave time to uncover just a little bit more.
In a word from the instructor, in a pose, in a moment of silence.
Just a piece of the full picture of my life.
My body/mind/soul connection is enlightening on my mat, not all at once, but if I'm patient with the journey-
That balance posture becomes the metaphor for the lack of balance of pleasure and hard work in my life.
My pigeon pose reveals a release of something not serving me.
The sweat- my body's tears from over work and need of rest.
The heart opener reveals a space I didn't know exist, but I've been longing for.
And in more obvious ways, that anxiety I felt before- exists on a lesser level. The craving for alcohol or the salty food eases just a bit. The breath in a hard moment with my boss, or the calmness and anchor to my center in a career change- all come into fruition.
And especially the intention of bliss I brought forth on my mat, becomes a little more tangible in life.
It's all a journey.
Four years later, I am still committing time to more than I should.
I am still struggling to find that balance.
But every time I practice, envision, let go on my mat, I'm a little closer to what I need in my life.
I am empowered and committed to make the changes I need to become more of myself.
Where your intention lies, is where energy is guided. Set your intention today, whether on your mat or in your life. Ask yourself, what is it that I need? Ask your body, what do I need? And let whatever answer comes- be the answer. Set it as your intention, reflect on it throughout the day. Let it move you in a yoga practice- and watch patiently as it arrives in your life.